Thoughts and ideas, ponderings and convictions, feelings and aspirations have been itching and scratching and grating to get out of my head and onto paper. I want to write.
Anything I have to write about is not worth reading, though. Not really. Because I am not exactly sure what I want to write about. I just want to write---to write, to write.
Gaaaaah! I am so confusing. I confuse myself. Ooooh boy.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Sooo, Snow And I Have Something In Common: Procrastination
Dear Snow,
Keep Snowing. You're doing great. And wind, can I somehow impress upon you a reason---any reason at all---to blow a little? Just enough of a gust to make some nice, big drifts in the road. I, and others (mostly students), would appreciate very much any effort you can give. It's for a good cause, trust me.
Snow: snow. Wind: blow. (I feel slightly ingenious when I rhyme even the simplest of words together.)
Keep Snowing. You're doing great. And wind, can I somehow impress upon you a reason---any reason at all---to blow a little? Just enough of a gust to make some nice, big drifts in the road. I, and others (mostly students), would appreciate very much any effort you can give. It's for a good cause, trust me.
Snow: snow. Wind: blow. (I feel slightly ingenious when I rhyme even the simplest of words together.)
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Open Your Eyes, You Silly Girl
I think I have been so consumed in my "problems"---and probably in myself---that I have forgotten to open my eyes and see all the good God has planted in my life. God is so good---SO good. How could I not see His goodness?
I walked outside a few days ago, and the rain-scented air smelled so absolutely wonderful that I felt like stretching out on the ground, right where I was, and breathing. Just breeeeeathing. Something as simple as a breath was like... well... I can't even think of anything comparable to air. Just air! No mortal being could create a perfume as sweet smelling as God's clean air. I breath it everyday, but it still takes a rain storm for me to notice and appreciate how clean and fresh and pure it is. And God made it. He also made my lungs, so I could breath it, and my nose, so I could smell it.
Last night I crawled into bed, and my toes were ice-cycle cold. They hurt, they were so cold. Poor little piggies... too cold to go to market. I left the warm cave of my covers and braved the dark of my room so I could fish around in a drawer for some socks. My fingers---almost as numb as my toes from the cold---brushed across something heavenly. They were soft and long, and oh, so fuzzy. Dear, dear fuzzy socks. I pulled them onto my feet and over my toes, and I quick hopped back into bed. If toes could purr, mine would.
This morning, I ate the best piece of toast in the whooooole, wiiiiide world. Mom made homemade bread. I love her. She's... well, she needs to adopt, so that some little girl from China or a little boy from Ethiopia can experience the irresistible deliciousness of her homemade bread (as well as her knack for motherhood). But anyway, I cut a slice off the loaf she made and stuck it in the toaster this morning, and the whole kitchen was filled with the warm aroma of it. I popped it out of the toaster, smeared butter onto it with a knife, watched the butter melt---ever so slowly. Finally, I put a thin drizzle of honey over it, and I ATE it. Glorious repeat: new slice of bread, new timer on the toaster, butter, and this time some canned plum jelly from my aunt. Oooooooh gosh. What can I say? God is good, I say.
Why does God care enough about us to put things into our life---big and small---that bless us, constantly? For some reason it just dawned on me that, even through the hard times, God is constantly blessing me, and I just need to open my eyes and see Him. I think my spiritual eyes stay closed out of stubbornness, mostly. Whether it's a hard relationship I am dealing with, or the "problem" of finding a plan for my future, or the frustration of trying something new... whatever minuscule issue I am facing, God is bigger, and He is even blessing me through it.
God must be the ultimate teacher. I want to be the ultimate student, but I can't learn anything if I don't pay attention to my instructor.
God, help me to focus on you through-out everything, and to see your blessings, and to learn from your corrections. Open my eyes, and my ears, and my heart.
Amen.
P.S. Thank you for bringing Christian friends into my life. That is a huge blessing that I have been in desperate need for. Thank you...
I walked outside a few days ago, and the rain-scented air smelled so absolutely wonderful that I felt like stretching out on the ground, right where I was, and breathing. Just breeeeeathing. Something as simple as a breath was like... well... I can't even think of anything comparable to air. Just air! No mortal being could create a perfume as sweet smelling as God's clean air. I breath it everyday, but it still takes a rain storm for me to notice and appreciate how clean and fresh and pure it is. And God made it. He also made my lungs, so I could breath it, and my nose, so I could smell it.
Last night I crawled into bed, and my toes were ice-cycle cold. They hurt, they were so cold. Poor little piggies... too cold to go to market. I left the warm cave of my covers and braved the dark of my room so I could fish around in a drawer for some socks. My fingers---almost as numb as my toes from the cold---brushed across something heavenly. They were soft and long, and oh, so fuzzy. Dear, dear fuzzy socks. I pulled them onto my feet and over my toes, and I quick hopped back into bed. If toes could purr, mine would.
This morning, I ate the best piece of toast in the whooooole, wiiiiide world. Mom made homemade bread. I love her. She's... well, she needs to adopt, so that some little girl from China or a little boy from Ethiopia can experience the irresistible deliciousness of her homemade bread (as well as her knack for motherhood). But anyway, I cut a slice off the loaf she made and stuck it in the toaster this morning, and the whole kitchen was filled with the warm aroma of it. I popped it out of the toaster, smeared butter onto it with a knife, watched the butter melt---ever so slowly. Finally, I put a thin drizzle of honey over it, and I ATE it. Glorious repeat: new slice of bread, new timer on the toaster, butter, and this time some canned plum jelly from my aunt. Oooooooh gosh. What can I say? God is good, I say.
Why does God care enough about us to put things into our life---big and small---that bless us, constantly? For some reason it just dawned on me that, even through the hard times, God is constantly blessing me, and I just need to open my eyes and see Him. I think my spiritual eyes stay closed out of stubbornness, mostly. Whether it's a hard relationship I am dealing with, or the "problem" of finding a plan for my future, or the frustration of trying something new... whatever minuscule issue I am facing, God is bigger, and He is even blessing me through it.
God must be the ultimate teacher. I want to be the ultimate student, but I can't learn anything if I don't pay attention to my instructor.
God, help me to focus on you through-out everything, and to see your blessings, and to learn from your corrections. Open my eyes, and my ears, and my heart.
Amen.
P.S. Thank you for bringing Christian friends into my life. That is a huge blessing that I have been in desperate need for. Thank you...
Monday, January 18, 2010
Just Who Am I, Anyway?
I have been in such a contemplative, thoughtful state-of-mind lately. I'm quite. I don't feel like talking. I don't want to talk. I don't really have anything to say, or at least not anything I want to share---which definitely is not typical Hannah behavior. Heh. I always have something to say, or an opinion to state. A lot of times, I think I say too much.
There are things on my mind. So many things... I don't know what to do with them all. I don't know what to do with myself when I am like this. I would rather be my energetic, spontaneous, friendly self, but the silent, thoughtful, contemplative Hannah has been prevalent these days. That's fine, I suppose---but I don't want her to move in.
I'd like to strike a balance. Maybe the energetic Hannah and the thoughtful Hannah could be roommates. Whadda say, girls?
There are things on my mind. So many things... I don't know what to do with them all. I don't know what to do with myself when I am like this. I would rather be my energetic, spontaneous, friendly self, but the silent, thoughtful, contemplative Hannah has been prevalent these days. That's fine, I suppose---but I don't want her to move in.
I'd like to strike a balance. Maybe the energetic Hannah and the thoughtful Hannah could be roommates. Whadda say, girls?
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Yup, I'm New. And I'm Kind of Tired of It.
This school year has been chock full of "new" for me. New school, new teachers, new friends, new ambitions... I have purposefully put myself in new situations, and tried new things, in order to break out of the box---somewhat self-created, but also built against my will---that I have been stuck in for too long.
One of my new endeavors this year was to play basketball (as well as run track and try out for the school play, among other things. But those will come later.) I went to the first open-gym basketball practice before soccer season was even completed and, to my surprise, I liked it right away. I've always liked to watch basketball and shoot a few hoops on occasion---however horrible I was at it---but I didn't know I liked to play basketball. Now, approximately 6 days out of every week, I find myself in satisfyingly springy basketball shoes, a loose basketball jersey with arm holes the size of Texas, and baggy basketball shorts long enough to touch the floor. (Okay, so they only cover my knees... it took me a while to get used to those things.)
Basketball is a blast. I especially like to steal the ball, mostly because that is the single thing I can count on myself to be able to do---and that's what is killing me: I like basketball a lot, but I'm pretty horrible at it. Oh, alright, so everyone tells me I am picking it up quickly, and improving all the time, but honestly... I am tired of learning. And it has begun to bother me every time someone says me, "Man, I wish you had played earlier, you could have been so good!" ... aaaaarggggg.
I went into basketball with the mind-set of "I am doing this because it is new, and because I want to have fun, and I don't care how good or bad I am at it." My attitude about learning this new sport has been exactly that for the past two months but, as usual, my competitive nature rose to the surface, and now I am growing weary of... well, sucking. There are basketball games every Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday, and I almost dread them. My feelings are in conflict: I don't want to play because I'm not good, but then again I do want to play because I work really hard in practice and I would like to get some time on the playing court. Either way, I'm not a very happy camper.
I'm trying to figure out how to have a better attitude about this whole thing. I know it's good for me---it's really good for me. I've been hesitant to try new things most of my life; not because I am afraid to try, really, because I do actually like trying things. My fear in trying anything new has always been the possibility of being bad at whatever I am trying. I don't know why I am so afraid of my own imperfection---it's really ridiculous! And that is precisely why I am making myself do new things this year, and why basketball is good for me.
You're not good at basketball. Deal with it, Hannah. "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the LORD; not for men." - Colossians 3:23. (One of my favorite verses---maybe I should pay more attention to it, eh?)
You know, I think part of what is bothering me so much is that I do really like basketball, and I wish I had played it sooner. The fact that I am enjoying a sport totally controversial to my usual sport addiction (soccer), makes me wonder what else I would have liked. Now that I am throwing my pride aside and trying anything and everything new that looks like it might be interesting, I am running out of time to do it. I feel like I am cramming into my Senior year everything I didn't do for the past three years.
Time, oh time... I wish you would slow down. However will I be able to try the new, and enjoy the old, if you won't slow down and let me?
One of my new endeavors this year was to play basketball (as well as run track and try out for the school play, among other things. But those will come later.) I went to the first open-gym basketball practice before soccer season was even completed and, to my surprise, I liked it right away. I've always liked to watch basketball and shoot a few hoops on occasion---however horrible I was at it---but I didn't know I liked to play basketball. Now, approximately 6 days out of every week, I find myself in satisfyingly springy basketball shoes, a loose basketball jersey with arm holes the size of Texas, and baggy basketball shorts long enough to touch the floor. (Okay, so they only cover my knees... it took me a while to get used to those things.)
Basketball is a blast. I especially like to steal the ball, mostly because that is the single thing I can count on myself to be able to do---and that's what is killing me: I like basketball a lot, but I'm pretty horrible at it. Oh, alright, so everyone tells me I am picking it up quickly, and improving all the time, but honestly... I am tired of learning. And it has begun to bother me every time someone says me, "Man, I wish you had played earlier, you could have been so good!" ... aaaaarggggg.
I went into basketball with the mind-set of "I am doing this because it is new, and because I want to have fun, and I don't care how good or bad I am at it." My attitude about learning this new sport has been exactly that for the past two months but, as usual, my competitive nature rose to the surface, and now I am growing weary of... well, sucking. There are basketball games every Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday, and I almost dread them. My feelings are in conflict: I don't want to play because I'm not good, but then again I do want to play because I work really hard in practice and I would like to get some time on the playing court. Either way, I'm not a very happy camper.
I'm trying to figure out how to have a better attitude about this whole thing. I know it's good for me---it's really good for me. I've been hesitant to try new things most of my life; not because I am afraid to try, really, because I do actually like trying things. My fear in trying anything new has always been the possibility of being bad at whatever I am trying. I don't know why I am so afraid of my own imperfection---it's really ridiculous! And that is precisely why I am making myself do new things this year, and why basketball is good for me.
You're not good at basketball. Deal with it, Hannah. "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the LORD; not for men." - Colossians 3:23. (One of my favorite verses---maybe I should pay more attention to it, eh?)
You know, I think part of what is bothering me so much is that I do really like basketball, and I wish I had played it sooner. The fact that I am enjoying a sport totally controversial to my usual sport addiction (soccer), makes me wonder what else I would have liked. Now that I am throwing my pride aside and trying anything and everything new that looks like it might be interesting, I am running out of time to do it. I feel like I am cramming into my Senior year everything I didn't do for the past three years.
Time, oh time... I wish you would slow down. However will I be able to try the new, and enjoy the old, if you won't slow down and let me?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
"Knock, Knock." "Who's There?" "It's Me, Hannah."
"Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks." - Matthew 7:7-8
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Aaaaarrrggg... and New Year's Resolutions
I'm trying to figure out how to make my blog look like how I want it to look like, but it won't look like how I want it to look like. So, for now, all I have to say is, "Aaaaarrrggg."
Scratch that. I do have some more things to say, because I want to write down a few of my New Year's resolutions (today being the 2nd day of the newly begun 2010.)
Resolution #1 - GET SLEEP. In other words, go to bed by at least 10:00 p.m. every night. Actually, for starters, I should just resolve to go to bed at night. (Yeah, it's that bad. I'm practically nocturnal.)
Resolution #2 - Keep my room clean this school semester. I am cleaning it today, and it is positively frightening. I don't even know what happened... it looks like something might have exploded. By habit, I am usually a neat person, so this is weird and uncharacteristic.
Resolution #3 - Read my Bible everyday. Not three times a week, not every other day. Every day.
Resolution #4 - Do not become re-addicted to facebook. I started my "facebook ban" a couple months ago and---though it was tough at first---I totally conquered that book of faces. So far, facebook has stayed conquered. But I certainly do not want to let my guard back down.
Resolution #5 - Remember to take my vitamins every morning. Maybe that's sort of dumb, but I have been getting sick quite often lately, and I was thinking that lack of vitamin consumption may have something to do with it. Forgetting to take my vitamins might not be the sole cause of the random spouts of sickness I have been experiencing (lack of sleep is probably an issue, as well), but I do think taking them would be an over-all good addition to the up-keeping of my health. So, haha, I shall be like my ninety-nine year old great-grandmother and faithfully take my vitamins eeeeeevery morning. (Hey, she's been doing it for ninety-nine years and... well, that's the point.)
Resolution #6 - Help out more around the house. That one is pretty self-explanatory. I am so busy, and I get so caught up in my own affairs and problems and list of things to do, that I completely over-look the needs of others in my family. This goes for people around me in general, too. It shall be no more. "Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing." - Philippians 2:4
Resolution #7 - This one isn't really a resolution. It's more of a necessity. Figure out what to do with the rest of my life. As in find a college, a career, or both. Or at least decide if I am going to college this year, or staying home and working while taking my general classes at OIT... or... oh, bother. I wish I had more time to... to... well, it is the beginning of the rest of my life, after all, and it seems like I should have more time to decide what to do with it. Bah-humbug.
Resolution #8 - Take a road trip to the Oregon Coast and camp on the beach. There, that sounds more light-hearted than "figure out what to do with the rest of my life". Whew.
Resolution #9 - Go on a cross country ski/snow camping trip at Crater Lake or Cotton Wood. This requires snow. "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow..."
Resolution #10 - Read books. LOTS of books---lots of GOOD books. Besides The Source, a one-million page novel that I probably won't finish until I am fifty-years-old---or at least until the end of the school year---I currently am not reading anything of value or significance, or even enjoyment. It is time that I addressed this problem and fixed it. The Source is a good, though ambitious start for me. (Courtesy of Jordan, since I borrowed it from him. Thank you, Jordan. :D)
Resolution #11 - Keep all of the above resolutions.
Heeeeerrrreeeee comes 2010, and whatever it brings with it.
Scratch that. I do have some more things to say, because I want to write down a few of my New Year's resolutions (today being the 2nd day of the newly begun 2010.)
Resolution #1 - GET SLEEP. In other words, go to bed by at least 10:00 p.m. every night. Actually, for starters, I should just resolve to go to bed at night. (Yeah, it's that bad. I'm practically nocturnal.)
Resolution #2 - Keep my room clean this school semester. I am cleaning it today, and it is positively frightening. I don't even know what happened... it looks like something might have exploded. By habit, I am usually a neat person, so this is weird and uncharacteristic.
Resolution #3 - Read my Bible everyday. Not three times a week, not every other day. Every day.
Resolution #4 - Do not become re-addicted to facebook. I started my "facebook ban" a couple months ago and---though it was tough at first---I totally conquered that book of faces. So far, facebook has stayed conquered. But I certainly do not want to let my guard back down.
Resolution #5 - Remember to take my vitamins every morning. Maybe that's sort of dumb, but I have been getting sick quite often lately, and I was thinking that lack of vitamin consumption may have something to do with it. Forgetting to take my vitamins might not be the sole cause of the random spouts of sickness I have been experiencing (lack of sleep is probably an issue, as well), but I do think taking them would be an over-all good addition to the up-keeping of my health. So, haha, I shall be like my ninety-nine year old great-grandmother and faithfully take my vitamins eeeeeevery morning. (Hey, she's been doing it for ninety-nine years and... well, that's the point.)
Resolution #6 - Help out more around the house. That one is pretty self-explanatory. I am so busy, and I get so caught up in my own affairs and problems and list of things to do, that I completely over-look the needs of others in my family. This goes for people around me in general, too. It shall be no more. "Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing." - Philippians 2:4
Resolution #7 - This one isn't really a resolution. It's more of a necessity. Figure out what to do with the rest of my life. As in find a college, a career, or both. Or at least decide if I am going to college this year, or staying home and working while taking my general classes at OIT... or... oh, bother. I wish I had more time to... to... well, it is the beginning of the rest of my life, after all, and it seems like I should have more time to decide what to do with it. Bah-humbug.
Resolution #8 - Take a road trip to the Oregon Coast and camp on the beach. There, that sounds more light-hearted than "figure out what to do with the rest of my life". Whew.
Resolution #9 - Go on a cross country ski/snow camping trip at Crater Lake or Cotton Wood. This requires snow. "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow..."
Resolution #10 - Read books. LOTS of books---lots of GOOD books. Besides The Source, a one-million page novel that I probably won't finish until I am fifty-years-old---or at least until the end of the school year---I currently am not reading anything of value or significance, or even enjoyment. It is time that I addressed this problem and fixed it. The Source is a good, though ambitious start for me. (Courtesy of Jordan, since I borrowed it from him. Thank you, Jordan. :D)
Resolution #11 - Keep all of the above resolutions.
Heeeeerrrreeeee comes 2010, and whatever it brings with it.
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