... when I am completely honest. With myself, and others. Funny, because I strive to be no one other than myself, yet when I am myself around someone---completely myself---it's frightening. It's frightening to trust someone with... me? I'm not sure. I'm not sure what it is that scares me.
I am so honest, even brutally so at times. But then, really, I'm not. Not with myself.
Well, I'm going to be honest.
My heart is guarded---guarded by a coat of armor so thick, that hardly anyone gets in, or even gets a glimpse of my heart; my real heart. My armor is made up of carefully situated pieces, though I haven't yet figured out what each one is. One piece, I know for certain, is made of pride, and another, fear. I am not entirely sure what I am guarding myself from, but the past three years I've been learning, slowly, to let my guard down. God is teaching me. And with patient tenderness, He has broken chinks through my armor. But I'm still afraid.
What am I afraid of?
I think I have learned a new lesson: I need to let God be the guardian of my heart. The keeper of my heart. After all, He knows me---and my heart---better than I know myself.
*Holds in breath* Should I post this? Eh, honestly (heh), it might be a step towards conquering my fear... whatever it is that I'm afraid of.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it effects everything you do. - Proverbs 4:23.
That verse is mocking me. It's a good verse---a really good one. But I think I might have misconstrued its meaning. No matter. God is guarding my heart now, and He knows what He is doing. :)
my armor is made of the same stuff, only it looks like legos and it's hard to convince myself that I am a big enough boy to tackle the job.
ReplyDeleteI hope that the rest of us will be convicted enough to follow your example and do the same in our own different ways.
*Sigh* Yeah. :)
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