God and I talk most when I'm laying in bed on my back, starring up at my ceiling. I think it's because, in my room alone at night, I can more easily focus on God and my thoughts---the noisy world with all of its distractions are kept at bay. Laying still on my back, with nothing to hear but the quiet, and nothing to look at but my ceiling blackened by the dark... I hear God so much better. At the same time, though, the quiet and the dark sometimes overly promote me to think to the point that my thoughts are humming around in my head like bees do in a hive. I can't catch one and look at it long enough to grasp any meaning from it---except frustration.
I want to turn my over-active thoughts into something constructive. Bees, though numerous and frantic, are hard workers. Their incessant buzzing and working and building produces one of the sweetest substances in the world---honey. My hope is that I can somehow learn from my busy thoughts, and that my thinking will produce action (good action, of course.) Writing things down has always helped me to clarify my thoughts and too see things from a clearer perspective; maybe because I tend to be a visual learner, and seeing my thoughts on paper (or on a screen) brings them into focus for me. Or maybe writing down what I'm thinking helps to quiet the constant buzzzzzzingggg of my thoughts, so that I can concentrate on one idea or inspiration at a time. Maybe by writing down more of my thoughts, feelings, dreams, ideas, frustrations, doubts, opinions, and whatever else is on my mind, God will use it to teach me more about myself, and show me who He wants me to be.
I'm at a point in my life where I'm supposed to know what I want to be when I "grow up" (LAUGH), and I'm supposed to have a plan to get there. I have neither. What I do have is an abundance of interests, most of which could be plausible careers. So... what would I be good at? What should I pursue? What would fulfill me the most? What does GOD want me to do?
My future is vast and unknown to me. It is known to God, though, and I suppose that is where faith comes in. I trust God (and am learning to more and more), but sometimes I wish He would give me little previews of my life once in a while---just to help point me in the right direction---so I don't feel so much like I am in the dark all the time. But since I know God doesn't work that way, for now I am holding His hand (very tightly, lest I lose my grasp and get lost), and trusting Him to lead me through the dark.
God, lead and direct every aspect of my life---even the unorganized mass of thoughts that are buzzing through my brain, waiting for someone to direct them into constructing something useful. Build my thoughts into dreams, ideas and hopes, instead of walls that tend to keep me from living in the reality of life. In this upcoming new year, and for the rest of my life, I want to make myself open for your construction. Mold me, build me, use me.
... I think I might like this whole blogging thing. :D
